Goodbye Game . . .

Played a game of russian roulette yesterday & the gun end up being pointed on me. I thought that if I gave you a piece of your own medicine that you would finally get my point of view. Never did I expect you to pull an okee doke on me. Last night, I'll have to say was the worst day of 2012 that I've had. . . Well the worst that I've had in a whole. My feelings shredded as I cried every ounce of pain, hurt, broken dreams, & drama out of my life. Trust me when I say that isn't a good feeling at all. I kept asking myself foolishly "what did I do wrong?" & that question stayed on my mind all night til the point where I couldn't sleep. I think I got one hour of sleep maybe thirty minutes. Got up & I ran all the way to my sister house which is like 2 miles. I had more ambition this morning becuz I was trying to heal the hurting. Kept smiling infront of 2 out of the 3 of my sisters. I got a text from Sai judging my love & in the end we left the conversation dry. Another game of Russian roulette. Okay. I thought the game was over so I let my guard down & next thing you know I'm on the phone with one of my best friends practically a bro & he tells me that he told Sai about the discussion that we had on the phone. I'm pondering like, so your the reason I'm going thru what I'm going thru. #BANG another shot, this time in the back. I guess secret conversations aren't secret anymore. I tried to keep my composure...that's until I got on the phone with my sister. I rarely cry, but when I do I've got to be 38 hot & tired. Today was the day. Been wounded several times by the game of Russian roulette has taught me some. Always be careful of surroundings. You never know who's watching.

Untitled

Love was just a four letter word misused to express the heart of following words . . . It's tough to let down your defenses to someone when you've had it up for so long. I'm bugging, like some things I trust you with some things you say and others I don't but others my heart just roll with it so to say. I don't get my emotions caught up around anyone before & I don't really plan to. I see it as, I'm young & I have my whole life ahead of me to be worried about love but it seems as tho that you've changed that whole perspective. I guess that's what happens when you don't put any effort into finding someone. I know that god has a plan for everything but I think that love is not included in there or at least that's what I thought. Only he knows

New Life . . .

I been sitting up here reading old blogs from when I first started out & I realized how far I've come. I went from being young & simple minded to a mature young man. From getting my dreams crushed by my first real love, to finding that person of my dreams. From struggling to being in a comfortable state of finance. I can honestly say that I learned alot of things along the way. I don't regret anything in my life becuz it made me the strong person that I am today. My life isn't perfect. It has it's ups and downs but I can honestly say that I'm happy now. I'm friends with people that I adore, I have a comfortable relationship that's been going 3 months strong. When I was young, I went thru alot of older experiences. But when I got older, I was prepared & it made me aware of my surroundings & the people in it. Sometimes you gotta remember where you came from to see exactly where your going & that's what I did tonite. I have a person that loves me, a kid that adores me, & a family thats always there for me. I have a blessed life. & I'm going to do what I gotta do enjoy my new life. I won't look back becuz I know I gotta stay on track. Gotta pack up my yesterday's.

Tired (From the heart point of view)

There is so much shit & drama going on in my life to the point where I can't even sleep anymore. I'm tired of trying to please everyone's needs except my own. I'm tired of being on my grind to make sure that I have everything me & my grandma need & want. Being in a relationship ain't all peaches & cream either. I liked it better when I was single, that's one unnecessary problem I had to kill me. I mean it has its ups & downs. Everyone looks at what they see & conclude that you two are the perfect couple. You two never have any problems. Take a walk in my shoes & shit will get really real. Everyone says that they have my back but the results seem to prove other wise. I want to go back to those days where life was much simpler for me, but that's a long gone dream of mines. Emotionally, I'm damaged. Killed like Martin Luther King Jr. outside that Hotel in Memphis. People are cold like the winters up in Alaska, harsh & brutal like Nancy Grace was when Whitney Houston died. It's alot of people in my lifetime that I don't fuck with that I use to. So I sit here, shaking my head. Here I am again asking questions, waiting to be moved. Every night I ask God to hear my call but it seems like he always hit return to sender. I have faith thru it all, but it's slowly running thin. I am but a child to his vision. I really don't have any family to associate with becuz my people are just too high classed for me. If I could I would redo my whole life. I've made up my mind, no real reason to think it over. Next year, I'm leaving everything & everyone behind & try to salvage the rest of my life that I've got.

I Guess Blessings Flow . . .

A long time ago I believed that love wasnt for me at all. I promised myself that I would manage to have the perfect job & the perfect home but no one to share it with becuz hey that's what I concluded would happen. Surprisingly, god sent someone down to keep me company by the name of Sai. Neither of us knew that we would actually date each other becuz we had just started talking. It's been almost a month & I swear that everything is going perfect in my life. That's what I use to want to happen. Guess me being nice to everyone & doin everything that god wanted me to do finally paid off in the longrun. Hmmm...thank you to the man upstairs. Let's see where this journey goes . . .

Best birthday ever

Wassup bloggers. Today is my birthday YEED!!! Today was an awesome day. Woke up to Saiyan singing happy birthday to me :). That made me feel like a million bucks. He was at work and everything but he didn't care. He made sure that I was happy and that's what I mainly like about him. He treated me extra special and I'm actually glad that he's here to do that. Anyways H.B. told me happy birthday on twitter YEED?!! Then he suppose to be calling me tonite. Haha in nervous as shit. Haven't heard from him on the phone since like november two years ago on thanksgiving and the day after. Is it cool to be nervous? Anyways had a nice birthday dinner with my family and went shopping with my cousin so I was extra excited. Today was very good in my opinion and I love that. But I mainly gotta give it to Saiyan for giving me the best birthday ever.

Its your birthday tho . . .

I hope you actually took the time out to read this becuz I really put some effort into typing it. . .okay. I'm actually nervous as shit to do this but o well. Its been almost 2 years since i've known you. Do I regret it? Not at all. :) I enjoy messing with you still but sometimes I get nervous as shit to the site of your reject. Idk why but I do. I'm glad to see that everything is going well with you & that your somewhat happy. One of these days I'm gonna come up to Philly & come see you . . .whenever Im not busy as shit & can actually have vacation time. The birthday gift I wanna give you. . .hahaha best be lucky Im not there. I'm just kidding tho . . .or am I? Haha, anyways I hope you enjoy your big day big head & hopefully in the near by future i'll see you or actually get to hear your voice on the phone again. Hint: Thats what I want for my birthday from you . . .& it better happen *jumps at you*. But on a serious note, keep doing your epic shit, keeping your head up, & strive towards success becuz regardless. . .I will always be beside you no matter what. I wish you the best in hopes that you actually recieve it.

          Sincerly,
               Marco
P.S. my birthday March 25. I know you didnt forget but just a reminder. . .hope I get my wish :)

A laying on a hands (For Colored Girls Poem)

I was missing something
something so important
something promised
a laying on of hands
fingers near my forehead
strong
cool
moving
making me whole
sense pure
all the gods coming into me
laying me open to myself
I was missing something
something promised
something free
a laying on of hands
I know bout/laying on bodies/laying outta man
bringing him all of my fleshy self & some of my pleasure
being taken full eager wet like I get sometimes
I was missing something
a laying on of hands
not a man
laying on
not my mama/holding me tight/saying
I’m always gonna be her girl
not a laying on of bosom and womb
a laying on of hands
the holiness of myself released

I sat up one nite walking a boarding house
screaming/crying/the ghost of another woman
who was missing what I was missing
I wanted to jump up outta my bones
& be done with myself
leave me alone
& go on in the wind
it was too much
I fell into a numbness
til the only tree I cd see
took me up in her branches
held me in the breeze
made me dawn dew
that chill at daybreak
the sun wrapped me up swinging rose light everywhere
the sky laid over me like a million men
I was cold/I was burning up/a child
& endlessly weaving garments for the moon
with my tears
I found god in myself
& I loved her/I loved her fiercely

Lol Alter Ego . . .

LMAO, Hey Bloggers/Readers. Today is a great day. Great day outta many. Right now Im on the phone with my daddy...for the first time. He is so funny ... like he act just like me. We crack jokes & everything. Like me & him been on the phone for almost 2 hours and some. I did this without my mama which was a shock to me. He telling me like everything that he went thru when he found out my mama was pregnant. He actually told me that he was the one to tell me that my mama was pregnant but she didnt believe me. He use to walk like miles to see my mom before and after she got pregnant. Idk that he considered my mom his first everything. His first true love, etc. I'm like wow, there was really some history there. The part that killed was when he said my mom was the one that broke his heart. I cant believe that she did that tho...anyways I see where I get my whole attitude from and everything. Straight from him, but I get my looks from my mom tho. Good looks & brains ...double combo. I really have enjoyed my night so after this phone call, headed to the fucking bed. Goodnight tho :)

Shit Keep Happening Tho...

Hey everyone...today just been long. The same ol same ol. Work & classes. Anyways so my dad has really been trying to get into my life. He texted me and was like what you doing and I was like walking around. He was like oh well I wanted to see you...Im not meeting him no where unless my mother is around real talk. I have always been a huge mama's boy but this some shit I cant do without her.*sigh* anyways, it sucks that I dont have anyone to talk to. Like my sister is all busy with her girlfriend & my friend too busy obessing about his boyfriend. . . oh and D.C. too busy trying to mack on someone that he knows that I wanna talk to tho. Smh, like I been talking to this dude like always but I told D.C. about him...it seems like everytime I tell him about a dude he tries to make a move on them. This shit cant be good for my life so maybe he's just one of them ppl that I cant associate with. . . right now Im listening to Olivia - Walk Away. I can relate to this so much becuz at the end of the day...I wanna walk away from all my problems but I dont know where to start.

How do you know...

Hey bloggers/readers. Today was another long and productive day. Class & work as usual. I remember how last night I was so bumbed out about my dad not calling me but I maintained my day regardless to the selfish act let alone which he afflicted on me. Anyways, I got in touch with this dude named Michael who I use to talk to since like last June. We use to message everyday and then we stopped becuz we skyped everyday. Then he vanished and to be honest I thought about him for like a whole month before I concluded that he was just there for that moment being. I was wrong...he messaged me on skype and we talked and caught up. How do you know when you caught the right one? Is it the one that makes you smile the whole time your talking to them? The one that you have extreme close contact with? The one that takes you somewhat outta your element but you feel comfortable with them becuz its the only person you'd do it for? Thats the way I feel when I talk to him...but Im gonna jump the gun with him. Just take it slow like I been doing but I have a strong feeling...this maybe it. Anyways, my dad wrote me on facebook and gave me his number. So I called him but he didnt answer...Im kinda sorta over it now. Im not finna chase behind no person that doesnt conflict with my level. If God wants it to be then I know it will happen. As my great grandma use to say, "When yoru tired of carrying on an extra burdon, take it to God & leave it." From this point...Im leaving it to him. Im starting to become more active as far as God goes tho. I include him in alot of things now but ayee I'll always have my faith. Until next time...dueces

You Failed Me Again...

All my life I always prayed to God that he'd let me one day be blessed to meet my day. Even if it wasnt face to face i'd accept it. Tonite I guess he decided to answer my prayer. My mother came over and told me his name on Facebook. I added him & to be honest I wasnt planning on him to accept it. But he did tho...I commend him for that. My mom told me to message him and tell him that I was his oldest son. So I did...he replied and was like wassup man ! then he told me to call him. Now he knows damn well that I dont have his number. So I replied back expecting him to reply back with the number...no show. So a hour later, I decided to send him my number...no call. Once again, he let me down. You'd think someone that claims to be your father would somewhat attempt to participate in their son life. Guess I'm a none fucking factor dealing with his. . . but the other 3 kids are. Oh and lets not forget to mention his wife. I guess its alright. Im going to do like one of my followers told me to do tho, Don't trip on people that let you down its pointless just smile and think about all those that love you to bits. On this note, another chapter closed in my life and hopefully I will never have to open it again...dueces.

Deja Vu

Hey fellow readers/bloggers. Today was a  long & productive day. Had class & work today. Smh, steady on my grind. Anyways, my friend sent me a text this morning that he was finna send to his boyfriend. Like, when I seen it..it kinda sorta reminded me of the shit I use to send to HB. I was like no bueno. I wanted to tell my friend that he was basically going down the wrong path. I mean, I know that shit ends up in different ways but I just couldnt understand what he was doing in that message. So, I forwarded to my sister LaVee. She was basically like man I cant read this. This shit kinda reminds me of the stuff you use to send to HB and we see how that went. He's basically seeking attention becuz he feels like he's losing his boyfriend best intrest at heart. Therefore, I dont know what to say to him. Am I really doing right by him by not saying nothing? I mean I warned him at first...he just didnt take heed to my warnings so therefore idk where to take this no more...

Back To Me :)

Ummm...lets see where to start. I've been doing well for myself. 2012, its my year so far. I mean Im doing great in school, keeping up with the family, & getting along with frankly everyone. I have been growing my hair out lol...shit is a disater now. Anyways, I got some new group of friends since one of mine has a boyfriend and everytime we talk on the phone he always disregard what I say and talk about him all the time. D.C. talking to someone now and basically he's turning into one of my sisters becuz he puts a nigga before me....smh. My sister LaVee has a girlfriend now & quite frankly Im glad too. She really deserves it man. Me & HB are cool now...I finally have closure. Thats what I been wanting for the past 1 1/2 now. So Im gonna be hearing more from him. Speaking of closure, since I have closure I have been talking to someone that makes me extremely happy. His name Jared...whoop whoop baby hahaha. Dread head, light skin, tats top to bottom on the arm. Funny as shit. Thats basically what I've been waiting for. For Valentines day, I got 2 teddy bears from him which kinda caught me off guard becuz he seem so thuggish for that shit. Hell, Im too thuggish for that shit. lol but anyways all is well...i'll be back soon