Today...was exceptionally a good day. Been focused on me just a little. Still single, by choice this time tho. I'm not really looking for a relationship anymore, just wanna explore who I am. I been going strong thus far & I don't plan on letting anyone get in the way. Sometimes HB cross my mind, even tho we have never dated...just talked. He's a really great guy & like most great guys, he's dating someone. But the friendship zone is worth more than that to both of us...or at least I think. I texted him this morning, trying this new "check in system". Lol, its kinda sad that I can go on & on about him. I wonder if he can do the same? Anyways, I enjoy my own company, but sometimes I get a little lonely. I'll get over it, its just a phase until I feel Im stably ready for a relationship....

So last night...last night. It went pretty well. I didn't go with my original plan with just hanging out with my friends. Spent some quality time with my family. Even though sometimes they can aggervate the hell outta me, I love them all becuz thats family. After everybody left, I decided to text you. To my surprise, you texted back. Ha, really caught me off guard. The deep conversation made me realize that I have been overreacting alot. I'm glad we close as friends. Your still the same person I talked to for 9 months. Keep it up, I like who you are. You never stop to surprise, even with the good morning text this morning caught me a lil off. Guess I don't know much about you, but Im determined to learn. Im gonna keep in touch more & talk more, but voice my opinion less. Anyways, I enjoyed your company...you know who you are. Haha

Acceptance

Today is my birthday. Excited? I am very...lol. I never knew how much people cared about me. I waited for you to text me, hell maybe a tweet. Imma go head & conclude that you forgot about me. So, instead of me being straight up & telling you whassup, Imma just let that ish ride. I'm another year older man, another year wiser. If you follow your heart, hell who knows, it might just give you what you need. I'm just on my steady grind. Focused on me, & dealing with the fact that we not as close but your still here so that means something right? It feels good to just move on by my way, not looking back but not leaving no one important behind. I'm thinking I wanna close this blog, but I have the alot to say. You know, there isn't even tears forming in my eyes while Im typing this time; just a smile on my face. #Love , is what Im doing. #Hope , is what I have in everything. #Acceptance , is whats making this so easy to be friends with you even tho we don't talk as much. #Marco is the me that no one knows about...but Imma go back to me

Ha, things have a way of working out. I stay over reacting but I guess we still friends. Maybe this just a break in our friendship. I should really communicate with you more tho. I don't wanna really lose you, but at the same time...I'm willing to make a friendship work if your down for it. Just gotta k.i.t. Hopefully this friendship last a while & one day maybe I will be able to show you all the blogs & you will eventually get to know the real me...the other side of Marco Ashton Morrow. So...until next blog...Im out :)

Acceptance is a bitch. Imma keep it moving thoo. Harm was done...kinda. Feelings was seperated. Just enjoy who you are, love hard, & live life.

Well, today was the day. I sent the message. Who knows whats gonna happen now? After I got thru bathing, I just sat in the shower & let the water run on me, & closed my eyes. Calmed myself down & took me to my place of freedom where I was by myself. No problems, no nothing. I sat there about an hour. It made me less nervous but at the same time it made me somewhat brace myself you could say for the hurt. Just in case things didnt go my way, I wouldn't be as disappointed becuz I prepared myself mentally & emotionally. Maybe he'll reply back...who knows? Maybe he'll see where Im coming from...who knows? Maybe he'll close this chapter & move on with his life without me...who knows?

Woke up this morning, thinking my phrase "what if?" What if tomorrow be the last time I talk to you becuz of the text Im gonna send? I think you being there & me coming to talk to you is why I stay so attached. But you not being there is kinda...idk awkward for me. Even though we don't talk as much, I still don't forget about you. I mean, your always there somewhere in my mind. Guess i'll have to get over that huh? The feeling between me & you probably isn't even neutral. I have a feeling that your just being nice & not telling me what's on your mind. I really do respect that. Maybe I was wrong for keeping it too real to you. Maybe I should have hid the way I felt from the beginning...

I should have known better. The signs were really there, I just ignored the hell out of them. Well I didnt ignore them, it was more like I didnt accept them. I didn't accept them becuz I thought you would never do anything like that, but I believe you said it right when you said I didn't know you huh? It kills me inside to know that I couldn't maintain a good friendship with you, & that you just didnt really say anything. I some of my time thinking about you, when at the end of the day, idk if you ever really cared. Maybe, maybe I was just there you know. Maybe I was wrong for opening up to you...to anyone. I always end up getting hurt, but this hurts the most becuz I actually tried to work on this. But I was alone...

Up this late sitting here thinking. Listening to Jamie Foxx, "Heaven Will Never Be The Same". All I can actually do is smile at this song. It brings back good times with my great grandmother...& some of you. I'm a heavy thinker, as always I have no choice but to think "what if?" What if Monday I send you the link to this website & it becomes the last time I talk to you? I believe that, that ish will hurt me the most. Hit home...its kinda hard to let go. Damn Im so attached but hell I can't help it. Its hard for me to share my emotions so when I finally do I guess I expect you to be here for a while. I always dreamed that it would happen...but thats why they call it a dream right? A thinkman of your imagination. They say dreams come true, but I doubt this one will. I haven't put forth an effort lately to make anything work between us. I just been in the background...checking in every now & then...

I finally woke up this morning with a smile. Started my day with some music, & just had a comfort day. Thats when I don't answer any text, calls, or tweets. I just focus on me. I just sat in my room, & start dewelling. I realized I miss you slightly. I mean, sometimes I feel like you may have forgetten about me. Its been since Feb. 28 when I talked to you. Its been 9 months & 2 day since I met you. Hmph, Im still trynna figure out what makes me willing to wait for you. Sometimes I doubt it, that you care. Its just something I have to figure out while on my journey. What if this is a mistake, what if everything ends up like it did in December. This is my book of Heartbreak...

Since you been gone I learned how to move on, how to be myself I don't need nobody help. Im doing so good I forgot that I could live like this. #Fantasia taught me how to be myself again. She taught me how to love again & how to care again. I never smiled so much in my life. With "Even Angels", "Im Here", & "Thrill Is Gone"....I've learned alot. Its said that i've need to brighten my life & I am starting to now. Im thankful for each day that Im given, both the easy & hard ones. Haha, I hav someone that finally understand me as always lol. Fantasia I owe it to you. Im gonna be myself, Im gonna strive to do me, Im gonna smile #WhenIseeYou, #TruthIs, Im still looking for the one to #MoveOnMe, & if I #Believe hard enough, it wont be any #Bittersweet moments, but shit I learned that #IaintGoneBegYou lol! Thanx Tasia!

I finally got myself back. I just had to find out who I was for a minute. In order for me to do that, I had to stop communicating with everyone for as long as it took. Luckly, it only took some weeks. Now, it feels like I get the cold shoulder from everyone now. I thank everyone that stood by my side until I got it all together. Im trying to be more open to ppl now, its not an easy task. I catch the vibe that as usual they will turn away. Im still growing, still maturing actually. My birthday is next Friday, & Im really not excited about it. Not becuz Im aging, but becuz Im probably not gonna be able to bring it in with a close friend. The last time we talked was Feb. 28. If you read between the lines, then you'll see it. Im not gonna keep on the discussion becuz it always gets me teary eyed. Anyways, sometimes I feel like Im lost in time. The new me has really changed my outlook. Im more careful with my emotions, I rarely express myself, I love & trust no one...just who I am now. Everytime I show my heart, it gets smashed. I prefer being single for a while. Don't ask why...just know I have a logical explaination for all of it.

#Confession1 I miss you sorta.
#Confession2 I wish we talked more.
#Confession3 your a good friend.
#Confession4 I still have the first text message you ever sent to my phone lol.
#Confession5 You never stop to cross my mind, thats why you still get solo shoutouts on twitter.
#Confession6 I wish you the best, even if Im not included.
#Confession7 Sometimes I think you forget about me.
#Confession8 When "Who's been loving you" comes on I start smiling.
#Confession9 I always wondered what you thought about me.
#Confession10 you will always be a cool jerk.
#Confession11 I feel like when I express myself to you, we drift apart.
#Confession12 Dec. 28 was the worst day of my 2010 life.
#Confession13 Im glad you trust me somewhat.
#Confession14 I told you that you would always be heartbreak
#Confession15 when I get ready to text you, I flip my phone over to send it. I still get nervous to talk to you.
#Confession16 I get the idea when I text you Im not gonna get a text back.
#Confession17 your personality is a turn on
#Confession18 Im probably the last thing on your mind.
#Confession19 Everything I tell you I mean.
#Confession20 Enjoy your b'day

Sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your mind? I wonder, do you care about me sometimes? I wonder, if you know Im still here? I wonder, did you see my tears? I wonder, do you miss my tweets? I wonder, do you miss when we talk deep? I wonder, do you know that I care? I wonder, if you knew I was always gonna be there? I wonder, if you ever wished? I wonder, do you ever miss me? I wonder, did you forget about me? I wonder, do you know just like you, I get lonely too? I wonder, am I still special to you? I wonder, if we still friends? I wonder, will you be there to the end? Im glad that your still here, so this is my appreciation for you on your b'day.

I keep having this dream & day dreaming. & no its not different ones, its the same one. Kinda like mini episodes or some. It starts off after I sent the text, you replied & we end up talking the whole time. It wasn't on no type of level of bullshit tho. It was on some deep level. We talked about us, everything I was feeling & everything you was feeling. I was like odee surprised from what you said. Never thought you cared that much, but ayee I woke up & it was just a dream. I felt as though it was real at first becuz of how it kept occuring & what was said thru the conversation. I can't believe its not true tho. I mean most likely its probably gonna never happen tho. You telling me how you feel towards me is like me jumping off a skyscraper #nevergonnahappen. My emotions are scattered on the floor about you. One minute I wanna call you up & be like I miss you, next minute I wanna be like Im through. In the end, I always maintain to stay tho. Smh, I try not to get attached to anyone becuz its gonna happen. Some gonna push us away & bam we're done. & where will I be? Slowly picking the pieces of a broken heart up off the ground & locking it away from the next...

Im doing good. Feeling better. Loving myself more, ain't nothing better. Missing the moments where we use to be closer than close. Tighter than the other side of the pillow lmao! Im getting use to this state of mind, just thinking about what could have been isn't gonna do any good when I can actually make it happen. As of now though, I just don't know anything to do. I typed this long ass text for your birthday, the question is how do I send it?!? I mean, can you actually feel my pain thru a text? Feeling the strong emotions put into the text? Most of the time, you probably can't. Most ppl say that Im a easy person to spot out my moods in a text becuz usually Im upbeat, happy, always laughing & smiling, but sometimes I have my serious moments. When I eventually do have them, I be so serious. My life is becoming more serious the older I get. So will I be the same? Always. Will I mature? Already did. Will I be able to love? One day. Am I making the right decision? Unanswered.

Here I am, here I been. I been here waiting but yet nothing has happened. Still standing, waiting paitently for "the one". The one is someone who takes my breathe away on a regular bases, never stop amazing me, loves me unconditionally & for who I am. I mean, I love being single & all but it has its moments where you wish you could text "the one" & be like "Babe, I just texted you to say I love you". Hmph...when will this happen? Only the man upstairs knows. I mending my heart, maybe I got it chained up to tight. When you open up to someone & they leave, that happens. I need to let someone into my world. Someone that can show me the same love I try to actually dish out. Its hard to let go of feelings I had but Imma keep it friendly. I don't leaving nothing in a negative outcome. All I can say is, Im ready to take on the world & let em in. So lets get it.

Venting pt. 2

I read signs well. Its not the fact that we are actually "drifting apart" is that you just don't wanna be bothered. You just won't actually tell me that. Its okay tho, I got caught up & now its time for me to let go. I cared to much & actually put myself out on the line. Smh, I made a mistake. It hurts becuz I actually gave a damn. I tried to be understanding, make excuses, but in the end I was sugarcoating. I can't believe I am actually sitting here, crying. Its not in my character. You played me well...even if I put 8 months into building a strong friendship with you. Im gonna stop crying tho, becuz its not gonna make me feel any better. You live to your name, so continue doing you Heartbreak. Im out