Soo...I'm not gonna lie. I'm feeling a whole lot better now. Umm...I been praying since Sunday night. I asked god to help me discover who I am & what he wants me to do. I also asked him to keep me & HB friendship strong. So yesterday, god surprised me. He had Joe to actually talk to me! I was blushing odee hard man. Couldn't help it. I was just too happy. Anyways, today he surprised me again. He had Joe add me on Facebook. Thanks God. I've really been feeling good. So those ppl who says prayer doesn't work can kiss my ass cuz it actually does. You just have to be consent with it. I, myself, wasn't at first. But I realized that god works miracles. I went from feeling like my world was ending to just feeling good about myself. My final remarks are this...my next blog, hopefully...i'll be very satisfied & happy. Until then, y'all know the drill #deuces !!!

Blogging alot tonite...bittersweet moments tend to circle my mind. Constanly, reminising over the times...maybe what could have been sets in. But I'm really not looking forward to anything right now. Just being alone is really what I'm working on...shit happens. Can I ever look back...idk maybe one day. I'm just focused on school now. I'm ready to go off to school. Maybe it will distract my mind from the hurt & pain that I actually suffer. Yeah, I use to sugarcoat alot...I'm not gonna lie. Its kinda hard for me to be honest with anyone now a days. Too much bullshit from everyone while they live freely as I daydream about one day actually getting to that point. Shit happens, when your life spirals outta control after everything was going well. Shit happens...constanly. Shit happens, continuesly. Shit happens, it never ends.

My fears:
1) I'm afraid to be alone.
2) I'm afraid of myself sometimes.
3) To express myself to unknown ppl.
4) Afraid to be hurt.
5) Afraid to text certain ppl.
6) Afraid of my anger.
7) Afraid to shed tears around others.
8) Afraid to face my fears.
9) Afraid to get close to anyone, so I run away.
10) Afraid of being in a relationship with anyone.
11) Afraid of commitment.
12) Afraid to show the real me.
13) Afraid to be vunerable.

Since life doesn't have a restart button, I'm making my own. Its like learning to swim all over again. #Heartache , what I felt last night. #Pain , is what caused it. #Tears were my reaction as I felt the world slowly escape my hands. #Disappointment is what hit me the most. I never felt so much come at me at once. #Friends , hmph, no where to be found. #Hurt , once again & always promises that it wont happen anymore. #Trust , I no longer have for anyone. #Past , not looking back but bring back the old me. The one who speaks his mind, don't think 2x, shows his emotions, & moves on with his life. #2crucial , is his name. #Rules , there aren't any anymore except one...#TrustNoOne.

I'm just tired of crying...

So after waiting 1 month, I texted H.B. today. No reply...It disappointed me but i'll survive. I cried for a minute but eventually the tears stop falling. I really wasn't intend for us to fall out. Maybe becuz I'm busy, or I dont text him often, or maybe its just the leave of absences that was eventually meant to be. Maybe the trip to Philly should be cancelled since I circled around seeing him. Im tired of being hurt tho. Shielding back up...

Shaking free the gravity of simplicity & riding the wings of forgiveness. Forgive is so hard but I'm gonna do it. They say give & forget...some have the tendency to forgive but never forget. The pain still lurks in your soul causing you to have bitterness, hatefulness, resentment, & most of all pain in your heart towards the guilty party. You doing this is no longer proving your sense of anger; but that your hurt & hide the pain by the following above. I'm no longer waiting on the 2nd party to forgive me. Imma be a man about mines, take a chance with it & see how this goes. Maybe you'll read & understand, maybe you'll read & say bullshit, hell, you may read & delete. The fact of it is that you read...in the end I did my part to lighten burdons. Until next blog, #MarcoAshtonChilds out