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Love was just a four letter word misused to express the heart of following words . . . It's tough to let down your defenses to someone when you've had it up for so long. I'm bugging, like some things I trust you with some things you say and others I don't but others my heart just roll with it so to say. I don't get my emotions caught up around anyone before & I don't really plan to. I see it as, I'm young & I have my whole life ahead of me to be worried about love but it seems as tho that you've changed that whole perspective. I guess that's what happens when you don't put any effort into finding someone. I know that god has a plan for everything but I think that love is not included in there or at least that's what I thought. Only he knows

New Life . . .

I been sitting up here reading old blogs from when I first started out & I realized how far I've come. I went from being young & simple minded to a mature young man. From getting my dreams crushed by my first real love, to finding that person of my dreams. From struggling to being in a comfortable state of finance. I can honestly say that I learned alot of things along the way. I don't regret anything in my life becuz it made me the strong person that I am today. My life isn't perfect. It has it's ups and downs but I can honestly say that I'm happy now. I'm friends with people that I adore, I have a comfortable relationship that's been going 3 months strong. When I was young, I went thru alot of older experiences. But when I got older, I was prepared & it made me aware of my surroundings & the people in it. Sometimes you gotta remember where you came from to see exactly where your going & that's what I did tonite. I have a person that loves me, a kid that adores me, & a family thats always there for me. I have a blessed life. & I'm going to do what I gotta do enjoy my new life. I won't look back becuz I know I gotta stay on track. Gotta pack up my yesterday's.

Tired (From the heart point of view)

There is so much shit & drama going on in my life to the point where I can't even sleep anymore. I'm tired of trying to please everyone's needs except my own. I'm tired of being on my grind to make sure that I have everything me & my grandma need & want. Being in a relationship ain't all peaches & cream either. I liked it better when I was single, that's one unnecessary problem I had to kill me. I mean it has its ups & downs. Everyone looks at what they see & conclude that you two are the perfect couple. You two never have any problems. Take a walk in my shoes & shit will get really real. Everyone says that they have my back but the results seem to prove other wise. I want to go back to those days where life was much simpler for me, but that's a long gone dream of mines. Emotionally, I'm damaged. Killed like Martin Luther King Jr. outside that Hotel in Memphis. People are cold like the winters up in Alaska, harsh & brutal like Nancy Grace was when Whitney Houston died. It's alot of people in my lifetime that I don't fuck with that I use to. So I sit here, shaking my head. Here I am again asking questions, waiting to be moved. Every night I ask God to hear my call but it seems like he always hit return to sender. I have faith thru it all, but it's slowly running thin. I am but a child to his vision. I really don't have any family to associate with becuz my people are just too high classed for me. If I could I would redo my whole life. I've made up my mind, no real reason to think it over. Next year, I'm leaving everything & everyone behind & try to salvage the rest of my life that I've got.

I Guess Blessings Flow . . .

A long time ago I believed that love wasnt for me at all. I promised myself that I would manage to have the perfect job & the perfect home but no one to share it with becuz hey that's what I concluded would happen. Surprisingly, god sent someone down to keep me company by the name of Sai. Neither of us knew that we would actually date each other becuz we had just started talking. It's been almost a month & I swear that everything is going perfect in my life. That's what I use to want to happen. Guess me being nice to everyone & doin everything that god wanted me to do finally paid off in the longrun. Hmmm...thank you to the man upstairs. Let's see where this journey goes . . .

Best birthday ever

Wassup bloggers. Today is my birthday YEED!!! Today was an awesome day. Woke up to Saiyan singing happy birthday to me :). That made me feel like a million bucks. He was at work and everything but he didn't care. He made sure that I was happy and that's what I mainly like about him. He treated me extra special and I'm actually glad that he's here to do that. Anyways H.B. told me happy birthday on twitter YEED?!! Then he suppose to be calling me tonite. Haha in nervous as shit. Haven't heard from him on the phone since like november two years ago on thanksgiving and the day after. Is it cool to be nervous? Anyways had a nice birthday dinner with my family and went shopping with my cousin so I was extra excited. Today was very good in my opinion and I love that. But I mainly gotta give it to Saiyan for giving me the best birthday ever.

Its your birthday tho . . .

I hope you actually took the time out to read this becuz I really put some effort into typing it. . .okay. I'm actually nervous as shit to do this but o well. Its been almost 2 years since i've known you. Do I regret it? Not at all. :) I enjoy messing with you still but sometimes I get nervous as shit to the site of your reject. Idk why but I do. I'm glad to see that everything is going well with you & that your somewhat happy. One of these days I'm gonna come up to Philly & come see you . . .whenever Im not busy as shit & can actually have vacation time. The birthday gift I wanna give you. . .hahaha best be lucky Im not there. I'm just kidding tho . . .or am I? Haha, anyways I hope you enjoy your big day big head & hopefully in the near by future i'll see you or actually get to hear your voice on the phone again. Hint: Thats what I want for my birthday from you . . .& it better happen *jumps at you*. But on a serious note, keep doing your epic shit, keeping your head up, & strive towards success becuz regardless. . .I will always be beside you no matter what. I wish you the best in hopes that you actually recieve it.

          Sincerly,
               Marco
P.S. my birthday March 25. I know you didnt forget but just a reminder. . .hope I get my wish :)

A laying on a hands (For Colored Girls Poem)

I was missing something
something so important
something promised
a laying on of hands
fingers near my forehead
strong
cool
moving
making me whole
sense pure
all the gods coming into me
laying me open to myself
I was missing something
something promised
something free
a laying on of hands
I know bout/laying on bodies/laying outta man
bringing him all of my fleshy self & some of my pleasure
being taken full eager wet like I get sometimes
I was missing something
a laying on of hands
not a man
laying on
not my mama/holding me tight/saying
I’m always gonna be her girl
not a laying on of bosom and womb
a laying on of hands
the holiness of myself released

I sat up one nite walking a boarding house
screaming/crying/the ghost of another woman
who was missing what I was missing
I wanted to jump up outta my bones
& be done with myself
leave me alone
& go on in the wind
it was too much
I fell into a numbness
til the only tree I cd see
took me up in her branches
held me in the breeze
made me dawn dew
that chill at daybreak
the sun wrapped me up swinging rose light everywhere
the sky laid over me like a million men
I was cold/I was burning up/a child
& endlessly weaving garments for the moon
with my tears
I found god in myself
& I loved her/I loved her fiercely