Only If You Knew...

Im lost in this whatever you wanna refer to it as. I hide the way I feel about you for a reason, but yet the more I hold on to it, it seems like the further I push you away. Its some shit that just bother me. I want you to be happy by no means necessary...even if its not with me. Seeing you talk to other people really does bother me, even tho I shouldnt really take it seriously because it is on twitter. Its just hard trying to stick in the game when you dont even know how I feel & I dont know how you feel. I mean I wish this would just hurry along because I have really developed emotions for you & hopefully you have done the same for me. No matter what I will always be your friend & I wont leave your side, but it gets kind of hard when your mind is like "Damn what if we together..." or if the topic " What if..." comes to my mind dealing with you. I usually would have moved on by now, but we have something thats kinda worth saving. Smh, Im concluding that Imma still stick in the game because I am actually drawn to you, your opinion, & your judgement. Hopefully I will eventually tell you how I actually feel...one day. Until next blog, IM OUT! #2crucial

They say that good things come to those that are patient...but what if that's not entirely correct? The friend zone is a good place, but its hard when you wanna be something more. Dating someone that you plan on being with for a while (in my opinion) requires a great friendship established. It just comes a time where it might become difficult to stay in the friend zone. I keep my head up tho, becuz I wanna see what comes out of this from me being patient. Hopefully all this wishing & hoping will come in handy...lol! Well, I think Im gonna end this blog. Until the next one, this is #2crucial & #deuces !!!!

My blog people! Whats hanning? Lol! Well, today has been a great day. Hung out with the family & did a little shopping. I haven't talked to HB since like yesterday at 1 some in the morning. I kinda miss him. You know that one person that is always on your mind that you can't get rid of...yeah thats him. I usually just wait til Friday & tweet him about the follow thing. I been keeping my head up & making my wish at 11:11 everynite. Im the type of person where I want him to be happy, even if its not with me. Well, I should really just start telling him this stuff. Until next blog, #deuces !

Hola my fellow blogger readers. Im in a good mood today! Last night with HB amazing. We talked about alot of things & learned alot about each other. Haha, so he made me tell him my wish that I make about him every nite at 11:11. I was so embarrassed but it actually had a good turn out. I tried to get him to tell me what he likes about me, but he said he has a set date. Im thinking it Valentines Day...that would be so cool lol. Its alot of things that I keep to myself about him becuz I don't want an awkward moment. I really don't express my feelings for him as much. Idk why, I just don't...but Im going to try. Hopefully tonite we will talk. He is the one that always make me smile & happy. Hopefully this friendship will go strong & maybe evolve into something more. Well, until next blog, #2crucial OUT! #deuces

Well...today was not such a good day. I woke up this morning to a call from my mom telling me my great aunt died. The news really killed my day & quite frankly I didn't even wanna go to school, but I did. I'm not gonna lie, I'm gonna miss her alot. Her personality was just down to earth. Her favorite line was "You so silly" & "Girl/Boy please". I never thought I would cry over her, but I did this morning & right now as Im writing this blog. I feel as tho this family is slowly falling apart. Her lessons, her love, & her physical well being will be dearly missed. I never had a chance to tell her how I felt...but I think she knew. So...Doris, this is dedicated to you. Im gonna miss you & I will inspire to do my best. R.I.P

On the phone with my sis. She told me how her & her babe got together. They seem to act like me & my friend. My sister told me she waited on her babe for the longest. She finally got them tho. So...Im still waiting. The other nite we were texting & he finally told me I was special. Imagine the look on my face & the thoughts ruining thru my mind. I am like excited, but Im not gonna show it. Dont want it to be like last time when I opened up & mite get crushed. So I think taking it slow is best, for now. So until next blog, #2crucialOut !

Hey my fellow bloggers! Haha, haven't been on in a min. Well, everything is going good. I recently start making this wish at 11:11 everynite! Haha, I know it sounds corny, but don't knock it until you try it. So, I finally got an answer with how he feels about me, well just a portion, he won't tell me the rest haha! He said that Im special. You don't know how happy I was to hear that. It made me smile & I felt like I was a star. Im concluding that he doesnt use that as a line to everybody tho. I just wish we could be together tho. Smh, maybe one day. I got a feeling that it would work out. But if it happens that I stay in the friend zone...so be it

Im growing tired...idk but I am. Tired of bullshit...tired of waiting but I feel Im drawn. My tendesy to get jealous is basically the problem. Like...I know how I feel...like I like you alot but shit I can never tell you that because there is always an awkward moment. Maybe I should just stop over reacting like this shit really urkes me that Im trying so hard...maybe too hard. I think I should fall back some...you know. Im trynna keep the friend lane oh so strong...but Im headstrong so it should be easy. Im try to mantain...#lehgoo

Okay...so tomorrow is the day. Friday I told them that I would tell them how I felt about them Sunday. Thoughts are filling my mind as Im wondering if this is the moment. I mean...I don't wanna drift apart like we did last time. I mean...I don't really express my feelings for no one and this is kinda like another #Fear huh? Well, Im gonna face my fear. Tomorrow...Im gonna tell them how I been feeling for the last 7 months. Lol...as I sit here thinking about it...like many different outcomes come to me. Like I don't even know how to describe how I feel about you in words at all. The emotions are there...the connection is flaming...I just don't know. And I don't wanna come between you and whoever you dating...so I'll just wait because if I keep believing that we will be together...then hopefully we will. Now why can't I say that to you? Idkk lol! But until next blog, #2crucial Out!

So my best friend...more like a sister texted me and was like she wanted to tell her moms that she was gay. I just told her like it was...her mom might trip but she has to do what makes her happy. If she happy, thats all that matters. Thats just something that her mom has to deal with. Of course, she will be in denial for a min...but it doesn't matter. It might take a burdon off her shoulders if she feels its the right time to tell her. I mean somethings are gonna be awkard but hell we just have to deal with them. That takes alot of courage to do something like that. For all we know, she might inspire someone else to tell there family. Nobody can stop you from being you...

Good Morning/Afternoon 2crucial lovers haha. So life has been awesome. I got rid of negative influences and came out with positive outcomes. So I been taking my sisters advice and been patient with HB. We been texting alot lately...which Im hoping thats a good sign. Last nite we talked on the phone which was awesome. Haven't heard their voice in a while. I laughed at first because I was actually nervous to talk to them on the phone...but after a couple of mins I started talking to him. He had me laughing most of the nite...he is really a cool down to earth person. I could see us dating, but I don't want to set myself up for failure. So I'm gonna stay in my friend zone lane until he is ready. I know haha...I talk about them alot on here, just seem like the only thing good I have going for me right now. I mean this is someone that I can be myself around, be nice to, and someone that makes me smile. Lol...I could go on and on but Im just gonna say...Until next blog #deuces #2crucial

Well, I finally figured out what my greatest fear was. Rejection. I know it seems like the most stupidest thing to fear but yet I do. Its with alot of things that I fear. Like what if I don't get accepted into the college of my choice? Or what if my friends decide to all diss me at a certain period. I believe my biggest fear is being rejected by family and the person I care about. I don't know why but everybody has their flaws. I will not let my fear take control of my life tho. I've strive to get rid of my fear this year and HOPEFULLY I will. Like now, Im chasing my greatest fear now. I have enough faith, time, and patience for it. Speaking of patience, Im still on my journey to find it. Its kinda hard, but I think I can maintain. So, I believe that this is it ppl. Until next blog, deuces.

Hey ppl! I had a good day today. I had a good talk with my sister and my mom. I realized that patience is key. Yeah even that means staying in the friend zone until I decide to tell you, or having that assurance that I will be ready to take on the relationship. You know what y'all, Im gonna hang in there! I just got to wait a while, but i'll be cool. So I wanted to iChat them tonite, but its this little thing called fear knocking at my door. I mean what do I say to them when we get on? Hahaha! I think I should at least try it. I'll see...anyways back to this situation. They say that good things come to those that wait & my sis said that there is a good chance if I base the relationship around friendship, then we are more likely to stay together. Soo, I think I will do the check in thing ha! When I talk to you, I feel like a STAR! Lmao Im through, Im just over excited! Deuces!! =)

Smdh. Im tired of waiting. As I sit here talking to my friend and playing #Fantasia - When Your In Love, I realized that I have been through alot for you. What this is like the 7th month of our friendship. Im starting to feel you but I don't know where we stand. I mean, I already know your situation, but I stick in there for you. I just don't get the same thing back. We don't talk about things as much, so I run to my blog to release alot of stress. If you only understood how I felt, asked me how I feel about things, I believe this friendship could go strong. There isn't enough communication involved. As much as I hate to say it, there is a lack of communication. I need to stop running to my blog, and come to you for closure. Smh, but I don't know how you would react. I just want you to keep it 100 and put everything on the table. Trying to follow what my heart is saying, but its getting difficult. Its hard to tell you wassup. Hell, I still get nervous to text you, let alone let you know how I feel. When will things change and go back to what they use to be.

Lol! Okay, don't judge me. Im just in too good of a damn mood to not blog again. Ohh, I forgot to tell y'all some anyways. Last nite, me & my sister had like this big argument. I mean some serious. It was kinda over some stupid tho. Cuz Im the type of person who if you raise your voice at me and I ask you nicely to stop and you don't, chances are Im gonna snap back. So it was me, my sis, and our best friend on the phone last nite when we got into the argument. Like we were rightously snapping on each other back and forth until finally she just got pissed off and hung up. Our best friend called me and was like ''Whats wrong with that fool?'' lmao! Man I was 38 hot and just told her I wiped my hands with her. Idk if I meant it or not tho. Thats my baddest, bestest, sis. Maybe i'll stop being stubborn and call her today. KEYWORD, maybe.

Hum. Oh good morning everybody!! Lol. I know yall wondering, Where 2crucial been? Well, let me catch ya up on my life haha. Okay, *exhales*, got rid of 2 ppl I thought was my friends but turned out to be on some dirty ish. Like, let me tell you what happened. Okay so my ex friend Court, posted a pic of the person I was blogging about to her profile and her and my other ex friend Murphy just going in on the picture. Good thing my real friends seen it and handle the situation for me since I was unavaliable at the moment. But, everything is cool, I didn't even curse them out. I just unfollowed them on twitter and don't talk to them at school no more. Alrite, on to GREAT NEW haha. So lately I got my friend back and Sunday we had them deep text convos. Noo nosey ass ppl Im not gonna tell you what they were about, but it was a fun day. On from that, I been stress free and dramaless since I removed them ppls outta my life. Guess it was all in God's master plan right? Haha, so until later #2crucial chuckin up the deuces!!!

Hey ppl!!! Lmao! Yess I am happy! No, Im not bipolar! So *looks up* everything went according to plan. I sent the message and stayed up for like 15 mins and I was like fuck this. So I went into my whole deep dark depression phase. I went to sleep for like an hour and when I woke up, I seen their name scrolling across the screen. So as I opened it, the message load that slow. I was like hurry the fuck up lmao! So we are back cool. Man y'all just don't know how happy I am. Im like so excited! Glad we are back friends. Hopefully little ish wont fuck this friendship up. I plan on making it to a year. They seem like a ride or die friend so LETS GET IT

Well, I did like yall told me and sent the message. Worst mistake I ever made. I kept preparing myself for the worst. Like I knew that I wasnt gonna get a response. Im giving up on this chapter. I learned that no one deserves my kindness and caring. Im staying to myself from now on. I mean that shit hurts when you put all your time, your effort, your everything in a text. No tears falling from my face tho. I think that my prayer didn't go nowhere. As much as I keep thinking about it, the more it crush my soul. I keep replaying that day over and over, the look on my face when I seen that text, my emotions scattered all on the floor. Like rightous, it feels like you didn't give a fuck from the jump. I just having like a self conflict. My mind is lost. I'll just have to pick up the pieces and move on. I will not let this shit happen to me again. But there is one thing I can say, you live up to your name greatly Heartbreak. #2cruciallybroken

Well, Im back. I didn't text him. Just didnt seem like the right moment. I mean, shidd I don't know how he would respond. You know, I have actually started making my blog kinda like my online journal. Anyways, smh, I really need to stop being so chicken. Its 2k11. One of my goals was to stop letting fear hold me back. Guess I should start living by that huh? As I sit here listening to Jazmine Sullivan - Stuttering, my mind set is on this blog, that song, and him. All this has something to do with one another. Smh, idk why I can't let go. When you get so attached to something, I guess it starts to eventually become essential for you to have. Its a shame that it ended that way and I keep dewelling on if we would have just talked about it. Would things have been the same or different? It really would help if he would read my blogs. This is where most of my real truth is at. Im not much of a affectionate person so my blog is where its at. So im hoping later on today that I could send this text. I think its like 8 pages long. Lol, I had alot to say and Im praying to god that I get a reply. Even if its negative.

Smh. Havent been feeling the same since December 28. Thats the day that everything went down. Damn, I can't take it back either. I tried to act all cool about it, but that shit just aint working. I mean, its not like I can't get someone else and let it go. I have ppl trying to talk to me but I don't want none of them. Like the apperance don't mean a damn thing if Im attracted to someone else, someone that has stuck around for 6 months. Damn, the shit like killed me when I got that text, when I seen that unfollow on twitter, when I see that unfriend on Facebook. I literally threw my phone at the wall and it broke. Im not mad at him tho, I was in the wrong. I knew I was hurt if I couldnt get out my bed for 3 days to even grab my macbook and type my blogs. I wouldn't mind if we just talked it over, instead of leaving the situation. Pause for a min, Im trying to have a serious moment and everytime I type, I hear Drake voice saying ''Well here goes nothing''. UGH okay back to my life, Im aggervated as shit. I can't even believe this is happening. I plan on texting him sometime to see if we can talk about the situation, or at least become friends afterwards. I wonder if he thinks about me sometimes? Probably not. Smh, man I stay thinking deep. My friends say Im acting like Keith Sweat but IDGAF. I just idk. The only person I opened up to forreal. Well, sighh, until the next blog #2crucial

Sighh, I screwed up. Today I figured out why we aren't talking. So Im sitting here, in a blank. I had to leave my friend house just so they wouldnt see me cry. My feelings, my emotions, my heart, was all in the wrong place. I wish we could have just talked about the situation instead of just taking it to a whole different level. Im glad that Im walking home, Im glancing over the fact that I miss you, that I haven't got over you. The whole time, I blamed you for the reason why we weren't talking anymore. When in the long run, after today I realized it was my fault. Im scared to tweet, call, or text you. The point was, I wasn't trying to make you jealous because thats some childish shit. I have real feelings for you and somehow I always will. Because you were the first person that I had respect for outside of Facebook and twitter. The first person I rode 1000's of miles to come see. The first person I treat like you were my world and the first person I got attached to in a long time. I argued my friends and lost some for you. You know as I type this, the more it hurts and the more I cry. I just wanna apologize for disappointing you like the rest.

Hey everybody! Back at it again and happy new year to everybody!! Lol, so I gotta give y'all the dish on my drama. Here goes nothing. Okay so the person I been talking to for 6 months decided to leave, like I thought they would. I had a feeling and thats why I will not trust anyone ever again, but they will always have my friendship. *holds head down* umm, okay...ughh I promised I wasnt gonna cry lol. I was a little broken about it when they told me have a nice life, still am actually. Im getting over it slowly I guess. Anyways, on the bright side, I have become more independent. I getting my letters from colleges now too. Im starting to talk to people now. Not giving no play tho lol.! I end up burning up my goals for 2011 and redoing them. Hopefully me and them will be cool again. Sighh, I didnt make a different me because in 2010 I changed me. Hopefully this year would be more epic than last years. Cuz this year, IM DOIN ME! Forreal